Autobots Vs Football?
by KillforKlondike
Summary: Sam and Michaela introduce the Autobots to...football! Eat your heart out NFL.
1. Game One: Football

Okay, so I was basically really bored and watching a football game. And inspiration hit me harder than the guy getting tackled face first into the dirt.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own crap.

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"Okay, here is the idea. Optimus, you stand behind these guys and you wait for Ratchet to hand it between his legs back to you. Then you try to get past those guys to make a touchdown at that old building. Got it?" Sam explained to the Autobot Commander. "And what is the point of this fraggin' game again?" Ratchet asked from where he was standing next to Ironhide who was acting as an offensive tackle. Easy to assume that Ironhide was silently giddy at the thought.

Sam silently sighed to himself. How they were going to pull this off he had no idea. It was currently Optimus, Ratchet, Ironhide, and Mudflap against Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, Bumblebee and Skids. Michaela and Sam were acting as referees while Jolt and Jetfire were coaching. "Oh come on Ratchet, this could be fun. Primus knows you haven't had fun since…well…let's consider it a first time experience!" Sideswipe said and tried to hold back from laughing. It's okay to tease him for now, but the tension between everyone hadn't died down yet. And he and his brother were still the main enemy.

Sam moved safely out of the way after having gotten the robots started and the two teams split up, Sideswipe's team going to Jetfire and Optimus' team going to Jolt. Sam suspected Jetfire was in charge of the Lambo twins because he was the only one that was fully prepared to use deadly force. Of that Sam had no doubts. Sam felt silly as Optimus and Bumblebee stood over him waiting to call the coin. Optimus called heads as Sam tossed the quarter up. And…it was heads. Sunstreaker and Sideswipe booed but went silent after a hit in the helm from Jetfire.

After a few minutes of huddling they split up and got into formation. Sam blew the whistle and it was on. Optimus took off as soon as the metal barrel that Ironhide had mashed into a football-like shape was in his grip. Ironhide tackled both Bumblebee and Skids who were trying to team up to jump Optimus, laughing as his weight crushed the two beneath him. Ratchet was trying to clear a path for Prime by distracting Sideswipe but Sunstreaker got away on him. Fortunately Ratchet knew that Sunstreaker wasn't going to tackle Optimus. And as soon as Sunstreaker got close to Optimus he was proven right in his assumption. Tackling the Autobot leader might scratch his paintjob. Needless to say, Optimus got his touch down.

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Later:

Michaela was sitting on a window ledge and was holding a rusty pipe up to her mouth as if she was speaking into a microphone. "And the score is 10 to 7 with Sideswipe's team in the lead. Just remember fans that we're still in the second quarter so there is still hope." Sam smiled at his girlfriend from across the old parking lot they had taken over for this. He was kind of hoping that they would've gotten bored by now, but unfortunately for him; they had actually taken to it fairly quickly. This meant he'd be here for a while longer. And to prove this Optimus, who had just intercepted a pass from Sideswipe to Skids, was making a Superman-style leap over Bumblebee and landed at what was a '30' yard line.

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Much Later:

Third quarter: 24 to 14 with Sideswipe's team in the lead. Sam was starting to think he was in hell. He'd had to break up a fight between Ironhide and Sideswipe, who'd been on the verge of blowing each other to kingdom come, over whether or not Sideswipe had been out of bounds when catching the return punt. "Lord, if I'd known this was going to happen I would've suggested golf instead. Nah, maybe a game of croquet. Sideswipe might knock Ratchet out with the club." Sam mumbled to himself although Jolt, who'd been next to him, heard and laughed.

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It's not over yet?

Fourth quarter: 27 to 20 with Optimus' team in the lead. Any type of refereeing or coaching was ignored and the players had just started to do whatever got the points. Sam swore he'd seen Bumblebee do a rolling dive between Ironhide's legs to get to the '10' yard line. Ironhide was currently in the process of pile driving Sunstreaker and Sideswipe while Ratchet, who'd finally gotten into the game, had Skids held above his head and threw him across the 'field'. Sam leaned over to Michaela who was now sitting next to him. "Do you think it's worth trying to stop them?" Michaela glanced at him but turned her attention back to Bumblebee who had just used Mudflap as a bat to knock Ratchet over.

"Honey, if you're going to get in their way, would you answer me something?" Sam looked over at his girlfriend. "What do you need?" She smiled and kissed his forehead. "Would you rather we bury you closed casket or is cremation an option?"

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Finally!

Final score: 32 to 27 Sideswipe's team unofficially wins when he made a last minute touchdown. Although he was knocked unconscious from the blow to the head with the football when he fell into the end zone, he was technically holding it since it had implanted itself in his forehead.

Sam walked up next to Ironhide.

"Word of advice: **Don't throw so hard next time.**"

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Oh wow. I didn't think it would turn out like this. Still enjoyed writing it though. Please tell me what you think. Criticism is welcome here 'cause I'm not all that great at football. I'm not even allowed to play flag football because I managed to hurt a guy that was twice my size. Please don't ask.


	2. Game Two: Paintball

Okay, I was bored and I got a message asking for this one. So here you go Jenny77.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own crap.

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Leaning over to Michaela, Sam nudged her shoulder. "Why do we keep agreeing to help these guys play human games?" Michaela winked and pointed at Ironhide. "One: it's because Ironhide wants to get back at Sideswipe. Two: are you honestly going to tell a bunch of giant alien robots no?" She was referring to how the Autobots were going to try their luck at, you guessed it, paintball. Neither Michaela nor Sam was sure how the Autobots had learned of it or how they'd managed to create paintballs big enough to go into their cannons, but they knew one thing was for sure. All Hell was about to be unleashed and they had the best seats for the show.

Ironhide and Ratchet had insisted that they be in the same teams as for the football game. Jolt and Jetfire had both had enough sense left in them to see that it would be wiser to sit this game out. Sam had brought along his mom's video camera and had set it up high enough so it would get everything. The parking lot that they'd used for football was now littered with huge pipes and other miscellaneous items to provide cover. Optimus' team was hiding on the right side of the lot and Sideswipe's team on the left. Sunstreaker had been dragged kicking and screaming into the game by most of his teammates because he had been whining about his paintjob. Again. "A beautiful 'bot like me shouldn't be doing this! Come on, THINK OF MY _FANS_!"

Unlike last time, several military officers were here to watch. And they were taking bets on the outcome. Sam had taken this as a golden opportunity and was going around with a hat collecting the bets. Lennox and Epps were betting on Optimus' team. A few others were betting on Sideswipe's. Most were too interested in just watching the Autobots transform to be concerned with betting on the winning team. As the two teams were ready to start, Sam held up the hat and faced the camo-clad group. "Alright everybody, the first RoboBowl is about to begin!"

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**Right Side of the lot:**

Ironhide, being the weapons specialist, thought it best he made the example for his teammates. And the 'enemy'. And don't forget the humans screaming for battle. And besides, he was having a ball. Sideswipe, Sunstreaker and Bumblebee were doing most of the shooting since Skids seemed to be having some trouble figuring out how to shoot his cannon. Go figure. Ironhide just barely evaded the giant balls of paint as he ran, jumped and rolled behind pipes and the other debris. After one of the last battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons, one of the larger enemy's arms had been cut off. This arm was what Ironhide was hiding behind. Optimus made his way up towards him by a different route and gave his friend a couple of hand gestures.

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**Left Side of the lot:**

Sideswipe could no longer see Optimus or Ironhide, but he shot rapid fire at Ratchet with his green paint. He'd never noticed it before, but Ratchet had a pretty good aim. Sure he could throw a wrench like it was nobody's business, but he was good with a cannon, too. Sunstreaker was way in the back but keeping up with his shooting too. Coward. Bumblebee had gone back to where Skids was and was trying to get the minibot's cannon to work. Of course the little runt had to pick the only defective weapon in Ironhide's arsenal. Although, come to process it, that may not have been an accident. Sabotage maybe?

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**Right Side of the lot:**

Time to move in. Ratchet kept the 'enemy's' attention as they slowly made their way closer to where Sideswipe's team had positioned themselves on the left side of the lot. Optimus and Ironhide had the hardest time staying unnoticed because of their bulk and a couple of times Ratchet had to jump out from behind the vertical steel bar he was using as cover to keep the others from seeing his teammates coming ever closer. Mudflap went fairly unnoticed although he was the more likely of the three to give himself away. The idiot usually couldn't stay quiet for long.

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**Sidelines:**

"Oh man. Oh _man._ They're done for!" Sam said as he was leaning forward in his makeshift seat which was really a cooler full of beer. Michaela smiled as she stood next to the camera and zoomed in on the soon-to-be massacre zone.

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**Left Side of the lot:**

Skids was the first to notice something was off. What is was he couldn't quite say. And then he noticed that only one person was shooting at them. "Hey, Sidesman! Where is everybody?" And then they struck. Optimus had taken the head on line while Ironhide and Mudflap went off to the right and left sides respectively. Mudflap shot Skids at pointblank in the middle of his face which sent his twin reeling back and while Bumblebee was distracted Ratchet had shot him from his hiding place back on the other side of the lot. Which only left Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. Optimus shot Sunstreaker repeatedly with his neon pink paint which sent Sunny into conniptions over his new paintjob. He abandoned his post and ran off to find some water before the paint could dry.

And then there was one. Sideswipe saw Optimus, Ratchet and Ironhide walking slowly towards him and all of their cannons were trained on him. He stood and held his cannon at his side. For a moment he seemed to be contemplating something. At this point he hurled his cannon at the three, transformed and started to spin in circles while throwing up dust, rocks and smoke from the tires. Temporarily blinded, the trio couldn't stop Sideswipe from then making a hasty retreat.

Optimus and Ratchet shrugged and started to walk away. Only Ironhide stood there and watched Sideswipe drive away into the sunset. Lennox could've sworn he saw the mech's left optic twitch a few times.

"**SIDESWIPE! GET BACK HERE AND TAKE IT LIKE A BOT!"**

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Like most of my stories I started with a main idea and winged it. For the most part I like how it came out. Please review and tell me what you think. Good or bad?


	3. Game Three: Hockey

Some more suggestions I got that I wanted to do. This was one of my favorites. Next one might be tennis! By the way, my boss is a big hockey fan, so this one goes out to him and to Jenny77's sister.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own crap.

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This time they couldn't use the lot. Unfortunately their part of America wasn't exactly made to accommodate Autobot-sized skating rinks. Although someone suggested the indoor training room was a good enough length to do the job. Which is why the temperature in the base was now a comfortable negative holy crap degrees and there was ice everywhere.

Sam and Michaela were sitting close to Jetfire and watching the makeshift hockey rink. And since the last game's success, there were even more people around to watch.

This time around, Sam decided he was ready. He had more than enough room in the pillow case to hold all of the new bets. Last time around Lennox and Epps had walked away with a small fortune and now Sam was sure the bets would be even higher.

The audience was spread out all over the somewhat disorganized items that had been pushed aside to make room for the rink. Michaela had was going around and selling coffee, hot chocolate and cookies to the freezing bystanders. Sam knew he'd always loved that girl as she handed him a peanut butter cookie.

This time the teams were a bit different. Mudflap and Skids had decided that these games were a little too dangerous for their own good. Most found it amazing that they had come to such a degree of intelligence.

So now it was Sideswipe and Sunstreaker and Bumblebee, who had come to call themselves Team Crash, against Optimus, Ratchet and a very psyched-up Ironhide. He hadn't forgotten about Sideswipe's retreat from paintball.

And, much to Ratchet's displeasure, Ironhide had somehow gotten a name for them as well, although not intentionally. Team Hellboy. Damn that gun of his. Sunstreaker and Ratchet were playing goalie for their teams while the others got ready for the fight of their lives; a hockey game.

Everyone knew this was going to be bad just by looking at Ironhide. No one knew when he had taken over, but most guessed it was after the last game. He had not appreciated Sideswipe's escape. And now he was out for blood…energon…whatever.

Optimus and Sideswipe came together at the middle of the 'rink' and shook hands. And then Jetfire tossed the puck in, which was really just a piece of scrap metal that had been crushed into puck form. Every bot for himself. And if the beginning of the game was any indication of what the rest would be like, they were all doomed. Jetfire set off a noise like a whistle to start the game and Ironhide jumped into action. Optimus took off with the puck after blocking Sideswipe and started down towards Sunstreaker's goal. Ironhide, on the other hand, had another goal in mind.

Optimus wasn't sure what happened until he looked back to see why the foul was called. Ironhide had begun to beat Sideswipe down with his hockey stick. And he still was even though Ratchet, Jolt, Skids, Mudflap, Arcee and Bumblebee were trying to pull him off. The weapons specialist was a bit like a pit bull at times; hold on and never let go. And now since Optimus had to turn over the puck to a now very shaky Sideswipe, Prime was severely annoyed. To prove it, he knocked Ironhide upside the head.

For a while they just seemed to be stealing it from each other until God decided to spice it up a little bit. By that I mean that Optimus tripped over the puck. Apparently the giant alien robots that could do anything weren't made for icy conditions. Who would've known? Optimus over calculated and accidently missed hitting the puck, stepped on it, and been sent flying forwards. Which means that he fell on top of Ironhide who had been in front of him. And Ironhide fell on top of Bumblebee who had been trying to stop Ironhide. Fat chance of that happening any day soon. And since Prime and Hide were out Sideswipe decided to take his chances and go for a goal. Which he got very lucky when Ratchet swung at him and not the puck.

Sunstreaker laughed at the sight of the three mechs laying on the ice but for him the joke was short lived. When Ratchet sent the puck flying back after Sideswipe made the goal it had made its way right towards Sunny's forehead. "Oh Primus, NO!" Sunstreaker started to run but he heard his twin from across the rink. "SUNSTREAKER IF YOU RUN AWAY I AM GOING TO SCRATCH THE HELL OUT OF YOUR PAINT JOB!" Sunstreaker, though very unwillingly, stood and let the puck hit him so that the goal was safe.

Throughout the first part of the game Sunstreaker had been taunting Ironhide and Optimus when they got close enough to try and make a goal. And Ironhide doesn't like to be taunted. Ever. And so he was going to do something about the bright yellow Lamborghini. Getting close he swung his stick way back, ignored the whistle of a high stick penalty, and let loose his ungodly strength on the poor innocent puck. This poor puck that never did anything to anybody was now shooting towards Sunstreaker.

Nobody moved when Sunstreaker fell backwards. Nobody moved when he started to get up. But EVERYBODY backed away from the mech when they saw what had happened to his chassis. There was now a very nice puck-sized dent in plain view. Sunsteaker, unlike the usual scream and run technique he'd perfected over the years, slowly raised his head and locked his optics on Ironhide. _**Nobody**__ does this to my glorious self and continues to process._

In the end Sunstreaker and Bumblebee were the ones that helped Team Crash to victory. Sunstreaker incapacitated Ironhide when he had gotten to close once by smashing him over the head with his stick. "Sorry, Hide. I thought your head was the puck. Sure is as dense as the thing." Bumblebee was the one to score the winning goal. He swerved several times and had even dived through Optimus' legs to get the puck past Ratchet and into the net.

Sam cheered his bud on as Bee got a running start and then slide on his knees while playing the sports fan's favorite song to play when their team wins. We are the Champions by Queen. Michaela watched from her seat way up on top a heating pump that she had climbed up on top of when the other spectators had been trying to mug her for the last of her cookies. She made them and she was going to have one damn it all.

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Okay, so if I'd continued with all the ideas that I had for this it would be a heck of a lot longer and I'm already tired so I thought I'd incorporate the others into the next one. And as for the team names I decided to name Optimus' team Hellboy since I named 'Hide's gun Big Baby. And team Crash is a reference to something that happened to me that involved a cop, a car crash, and actually wearing a hoodie the entire time that said Crash on the back of it. Its been my nickname ever since.


	4. Game Four: Soccer

So I don't play this sport a whole lot but I got a request for the 'bots to play soccer. It stuck out for me because I have a few memories from junior high when we'd go outside and play soccer. Several were funny.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own crap.

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Back at the lot. Again. This was getting rather old. Except for the random beatings. Those were still entertaining. But Sam wasn't really giving a hoot anymore which team won. As predicted, he had made a killing at the last game. And, as he also had predicted, more people than ever had come to watch the games. And now that two more Autobots had landed, things would be even better. Even though one guy had a really strict attitude, he had a bone to pick with the twins. And the other mech wanted in on the fun. Yes, this would definitely make things much more interesting.

And so enter Prowl and Hot Shot.

After being filled in on the rules which would, if you think about it, be ignored the teams dispersed. Hot Shot joining Team Crash and Prowl joining Team Hellboy. Prowl hated their name. Hot Shot loved their name. Instant dislike. Perfect conditions for a _friendly _game of soccer.

Since Sam and Michaela were both busy with their latest plan to get rich quick, Lennox had somehow ended up with keeping score. Since this was their first game, Prowl and Hot Shot were at the middle of the 'field' and waiting for Arcee to whistle. When she did, just as was expected, things instantly got out of hand.

The ball dropped and Prowl, being faster, took possession of the ball.

Prowl started down the field and right away he dodged an attempted steal by Bee. But what Bee couldn't do it seemed a squirrel could. A little red squirrel rushed out into the middle of the lot after a stray acorn. Prowl stopped dead and squat down to look at the furry little organic. "Hello little mammal from the order of rodentia. Pleased to meet you." Sunstreaker, seeing that Prowl was distracted, rushed and stole the ball away from him. "Thanks nature boy! We'll be sure to mention your help after we win the game!"

Sunstreaker has for some reason never quite understood why he shouldn't taunt Prowl. But another person he needed to apply this lesson to was three yards and closing in on him. Ironhide, who had by now absolutely no regard for the rules humans were always putting on their games, blindsided Sunstreaker with a punch to the face. Sunstreaker immediately keeled over. Ironhide then proceeded to _pick the ball up and carry it down to the goal that Sideswipe was guarding. _Arcee quickly put an end to his would-be goal and while she was chewing him out on hurting another player, Jolt and Jetfire dragged Sunstreaker off the field by his feet since he was off-lined. Jolt took one for the team by joining up with Sunstreaker's team.

Ironhide, who was having a hissy-fit, glared at the unmoving Sunstreaker and then turned his attention to the one with the ball: Jolt. Arcee signaled for Jolt to take the ball in and just barely got out of the way of Prowl's leg swipe.

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Epps had been working the clock (meaning his wristwatch/stopwatch) and was now counting down the last ten minutes of the game. Sam and Michaela had long ago stopped their business, which was selling videos of the past games that they had taken various recorded clips from the Autobots' memory banks. Sam and Michaela owed 10% of their profits to Glen for that bit of computer magic. They were as of now sitting on top of the still out-cold Sunstreaker and cheering on Team Crash. Gotta cheer for your guardian robot, right?

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Team Crash calls a time out with only thirty seconds on the clock:

"Okay guys, we seriously need to think of something."

"Like what?"

"The ultimate distraction…"

"Where are we going to get two elephants humping?"

"….Bumblebee, no more human movies for you."

"Wait, I've got an idea."

Jolt whispered his plan to the others.

"That's brilliant."

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Their win had been a fluke. That was it. Ironhide would never except it. Everything had been in Team Hellboy's favor. Until Bee took possession of the ball. He was the one that threw them through the loop. At first he had been heading towards Team Hellboy's goalie, Ratchet, was waiting for him. And then he turned on a dime and headed back towards his own goal. He kicked the ball straight towards Sideswipe. Sideswipe grinned and ran at the ball and when it was close enough he headbutted it back across the field. Right at a waiting and unguarded Bumblebee. Sam and Michaela cheered louder than ever when he smoothly into Ratchet's goal.

Ironhide and Prowl looked at each other and silently agreed.

They waited until everyone had quieted down from their celebrating. And that was when Sideswipe and Bumblebee noticed that Prowl and Ironhide were staring at them. They froze for a second and watched as the two opposing mechs approached. Then turned, transformed and hauled aft out of there.

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So, what do you think? Good, bad or just plain dumb? Please tell me what you thought and any suggestions for other sports. - Mina


End file.
